All is quiet this Saturday morning. I've transported Hubby to work. The boys are having a sleep in. We've have more flooding in the basement so I'm setting the timer for 15min. intervals and moving the pump from spot to spot. Not exactly how I want to spend my day but necessary if I'm to keep par with the water. This basement has been a point of contention for years now. The plan was to get it dug up and fixed this summer. That didn't happen. Not for lack of want or desire on my part but frankly because Hubby was sidetracked or more accurately derailed. I don't say that with derision but as fact. His derailment and my derailment along with him. I said to my husband last night, in a heart to heart, that there have been times when I felt like a passenger on his crazy train, worse, a hostage. He couldn't agree more. He is not oblivious (thank God) to the insanity of his own behavior. I, on the other hand, take a little longer to recognize my own. We both have a lot to learn and God has a hold of us both now at the same time. He's grabbed us by the scruff of our blue collar necks and said "LOOK!" Sometimes we just need that. God to take over. I've seen some very interesting and encouraging changes taking place in my husband and myself as of late. There was a period of time when I was seeing a one step forward two steps back pattern. We were going backwards. Then a one step forward one step back. Staying at the same place. Now I'm seeing a two steps forward one step back. Progress. In him and in me.

I've lived in a difficult marriage through it's entirety, with issues that are private but not isolated to us alone. There have been many a times when I thought I was nuts for staying. Any sane person would throw in the towel and call it quits. I never felt the Lord's blessing upon that although there have been times when I've questioned "Are you telling me to leave? Is that the direction You want me to go? Because what else is there?" It seemed crazy to subject myself and my children to the insanity. There have been separations during periods where I just could not allow certain things and call myself decent. I had to protect. I've been befuddled, baffled and broken more times than I can count. I've experienced surges of rebelion that shocked me. Yet I've hung in there. Never really certain if I'm hoping against hope for the impossible or if time and the constant pursuit of God would remedy the madness. I believe in the covenant, for sure I do but I've toiled over the heartache and frustration that I've experienced to remain true. I've asked myself, "Am I following God or just my own stubborn will to be the wife of one man?" Or worse, "Am I just sick in the head, a sucker for punishment and trapped in bondage and can't let go?" I've felt waves of resentment, almost drowned in it. "I'm doing my part God, come on now!" I've felt revenge towards my husband with a capitol "R". I've also felt helpless at times, a victim. That always makes me think of the statement, "there are no victims only volunteers." Which tends to cause a sick feeling of self hatred or a self-determination to be freed which starts the whole vicious emotional cycle again. I seem to have to go all the way around it to come back to "Do you Dawne, take this man before God to be your lawful wedded husband to have and to hold, to love, honor, cherish and obey, to comfort and encourage, through good times and bad, through sickness and health, for richer or poorer, forsaking all others and be faithful only to him as long as you both shall live? To which I said "I do". I've labored over those vows and sometimes I've hated them and felt mocked by them. Especially when it felt like I was the only one holding them because the man to which I was betrothed made the same ones and I was not experiencing reciprocation. A marriage can't work like it is meant to if only one person is holding the vows. I do not quibble with others decision to divorce. I may question it at times, when it appears that it's just for want of something rosier, a trading in for a better model because this one doesn't work like it should and for certain in our human selfishness that does occur. But basically it's none of my business. I can believe in covenant marriage and pray for and encourage others to hold to that covenant and be blessed by that but I don't judge. I can't and I won't. I am more than aware of the deep pain and heartache and crippling effect a troubled and or dangerous marriage has on a person's soul and being. My heart and empathy goes out to anyone that feels they were left with no other alternative. I have had moments where I felt divorce was the only logical and sensible thing to do. I've been so close. I've sat in a mediators office (twice on two different occasions) dividing assets (or lack thereof). So I know. I pass judgement on no-one and speak only to my own marriage.

Where am I today? Marveling. Marveling at this week alone. A huge step forward and a huge step back with another step forward. All in the same week. I am watching God work on this man like clay. I am seeing before my very eyes a spiritual battle in another and God is winning. God will win. God has already won. I do believe the spirit is sealed. I also accept that the body is weak. I long for a permanent, from this moment forward repentance and freedom from that which has a stranglehold. I seen a concrete victory, a return to vomit, proceeded by a deepening desire for victory. This could be it or there could be more of the same struggle. I don't know. I do know that there has been progress. Which makes me think of the statement "the impossible takes a little longer." I feel like we are closing in on the victory. I hope we are closing in on the victory. But because of years of false hopes I am always cautiously optimistic.  I can't shake that. I also don't want to hype myself up. I've done that and the crash is devastating. I cannot claim something that is not mine to claim. Or can I? Can I claim a victory in Christ for another? I can proclaim the promises of God and stand in the gap for another. I ask for protection and victory but is it biblical to claim them? The danger with that, for me, is that I can get heightened to a point of building myself up for a terrible fall. I've done that and like I said the crash is devastating. So I'm reluctant to go there.

Which brings me to my own spiritual battles. My own pride that I've seen weave it's way through this marriage. Such a trap. It's so easy to be prideful when you think you are little miss goody two shoes, the saint, the martyr. So easy and so deceiving. My intentions have been based in good but my methods have been as sly and selfish as all get out. Not always of course, sometimes when surrendered I have been pure but when I examine my heart I can't deny it's corruption. I also can't deny the work God has done in my heart and the fact that He has used this man and this marriage to shape me and to mold me. He is the Potter, I am the clay. In the marriage I've done good and I've done harm. I've wanted what I've wanted for the right reasons and I've wanted what I wanted for the wrong reasons. God has been showing me deep hidden pride. Ewwww....so ugly, yet it feels good to let the Gardener of my soul dig it out. Quite a relief to get that poison out of me. It doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would. He seems to be easing it out of me. There are shudders as it's exposed. Embarrassment that it was never as hidden as I thought it was and disgust at it's ugliness, revulsion even at how obvious it really is and I thought I was hiding it. Only from myself. But I feel a gentle balm, for God is for me not against me, amazing patience with my self delusions. I am very much the little child who has to be checked often lest I think I'm doing fine, skipping along, headed straight for the edge of a cliff. I'd like to rather willingly hold His hand and let Him steer me clear. So much better than foolishly thinking I can do it myself or worse tucking my hand away, refusing to reach it out because I'm ticked, self-determined or flat out rebellious. There where a couple of times, with a couple of my children, when they younger and we were in a place of serious rebelion, I had to take hold of them. I can remember putting my hands on either side of their cheeks and facing them towards me and with all the gentle firmness I could will, say "we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way, I prefer the easy way and in the long run so will you, so let's go that route shall we? Because I promise you it will be done." They would usually cave then (not always) and cooperate because they knew me. They knew that I would not give up when their safety or character was involved. They had learned that Mom does not give up. And isn't God concern for me so much more than I could ever have for my own children? For my good and His glory. We can do this the easy way or the hard way. And aren't God's ways so much better than my ways? When I was in those places with my kids sometimes (more often than I probably want to remember) the hard way was fraught with the frustrations of a frantic woman. God does not get frustrated. He does not get frantic. But His will, will be done. The day to day is so much nicer when I'm cooperating. So is the marriage. So is my general state of wellbeing. So is everything.

I have not yet seen the once and for all victory that I'm longing for but I think it's fair and accurate to say, I am seeing at this moment in time an ever increasing surrender of two souls to the will and majesty of God. I say that because the more I long for victory, the more I seek after God, the more I see His majesty. If that continues the marriage will be blessed as a byproduct and two people will be hungering and thirsting after God. And that's what it's really about. Hungering and thirsting after God, no matter what. No matter what the trouble or the heartache or the joy or the blessing. The constant pursuit of God. May it continue.

Well I've got to go. I've spent the morning pumping the basement and writing this but I did so good in the housework department this week that I only have about an hour of cleaning to freshen things up, then I want to tackle the our bedroom and give it a really deep clean.

I'm off to pick up Hubby and get groceries. Take care and God Bless~Dawne

Tuesday, 7:46a.m., and I'm home! I've taken a weeks holiday. My middle son has moved back home with us. Life circumstances has thrown a monkey wrench at him and here he is back in the nest for a bit. He's working, which is good but he needs some time to sort himself out. I'm happy to have him here although I know our routines will take some adjusting. The older I get the more I realize that life seems to be a constant state of adjusting. Almost to the point to where you don't ever really adjust because something new will come along to change things up again. Never static, that's for sure. Along with my son moving home came an apartment full of furniture and storage issues here at the house. The main reason I took the week off is so we could plow through this and make order.

We had a lovely Thanksgiving. My eldest was home for a week and although he was often out and about we got to spend some good time together. I was bemoaning before about the "letting go" of children as they become adults. This visit home with him confirmed in my mind, solidly, that there is no boy left in this man. He is a man. It just clicked. No child left there. Full-grown man. Although he did contract the sniffles while he was here and I offered to make a jaunt to the store for popcicles and ginger-ale, which he was "boyish" enough to take me up on. That was the only moment in the whole visit where I seen a glimpse of my former boy. Other than that "man" and a fine young man at that. I'll admit at first it was a little shocking but now that I've wrapped my head and heart around it. I like it. Our relationship is forever different as it should be and I'm a-okay with it. I actually delight in it.

All the kids were home over the holidays but I never did get them all together at the same time. Work schedules just wouldn't allow it. Although they all did get to see each other so that's good. This is the way life will be from here on in. It will probably be a rare occasion when they are all in the same room at the same time because of distance and schedules. So it will be a real treat when they are and I look forward to it.

My husband is still struggling with his work situation along with other things. Two steps forward one step back. At least there is some forward momentum. For that I'm grateful. He ended up going back with his former employer for a variety of reasons. It's not been easy and he is at a loss as to what to do. It's complicated. I find myself searching for ways to be supportive whilst curbing my own frustrations at his frustrations. Trying to be a soothing voice in his storm. The helpmate. I'm trying and praying...lots of prayer.

I used to pray very systematically for my husband and children, using Stormie Omartian's books. Somehow several years ago that went by the wayside. Circumstance had become so difficult and I was so confused and befuddled that I basically stopped praying for a period of time. Not that I didn't send up tons of flare prayers, there was lots of groaning that only the Spirit can decipher (because I sure couldn't) but the disciplined prayers that I had religiously sat down and prayed every morning like clockwork...stopped. At that point in time it was all I could do to just get out of bed and off to work. I was a mess and so was my life. Not the best time to stop praying obviously but this girl was drowning in despair at the time. All I could do was moan. It was a one day at a time survival. If we got through the day without a major dilemma, I would fall into bed at night and thank-God for a relatively "normal" day but terrified what the next might bring. There where many days fraught with confusion, drama, unpredicatabilty and destruction and I was at my wit's end just trying to get through those days without losing my mind. All order in life had ceased and it was repetitive chaos. At times I really did feel I was losing my grip with reality. It was a time I needed to be praying even more fervantly but fear had gripped me so strongly and my mind could not focus on any sensible or logical train of thought. It was a horrible time and through it I lost my rhythm. God in His mercy seen me through it. In hindsight I see how He protected us all...in spite of ourselves. He is faithful. Life is not all order now but my mind has returned to a semblance of soundness and I can focus. What a releif! Thank-you Lord.

This past year has had it's share of chaos though. Not the same kind although much of it caused from the same "bondages." Both in my husband and in myself. I've also seen how, as my children are stepping out on their own, they are stepping away from their faith. Which breaks a mother's heart but also makes me realize my job is not done. I can't preach at them. They won't tolerate it but I can pray. So I have returned to my systematic prayers each morning.

Stormie Omartian has just released a new book "The Power of Praying for Your Adult Children" just for me at this time of my life. Just kidding, but it almost seems like that. I seen this book advertised in a flyer I get from our local Christian Book Store. If you bought it you got the "The Power of a Praying Wife" for $4.99. I had a copy of that book at one time but in a moment of rebellion against my husband when he was packing up his belongings and flying the coop (during that difficult time) I tossed the book on top of a box of his stuff and never seen it again. Told you it was a horrible time. When I seen this book offer it struck me how far I've gotten from those dedicated prayers. I purchased the books and have been praying through the prayers every morning like clockwork...well most mornings, there's always those times when "life" throws you a curve and the day doesn't start out like expected but most days are pretty "scheduled" around here.

Then just the other day I was hunting through my book shelves for a book, can't remember what or why and I came across "The Power of a Praying Woman." I forgot about it. Praying for myself. For my walk, for my relationship with the Lord, for my filling of the Holy Spirit. So I'm reading through this and praying through it as well. Yes it means getting up earlier but I dare say the Lord is telling me something. I've seen a lot of upheaval the last several months. In my husband, myself and my kids. I have to take action and the action is prayer. That's where it starts. And I need help praying, lest they just be groans and moans.

I read this today in "The Power of a Praying Woman":

"If you're like me, you don't want to live the kind of life where you are barley hanging on. You don't want to merely eke out an existence, find a way to cope with your misery, or just get by. You want to have the abundant life Jesus spoke of when He said, "I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly" (John 10:10);

We don't want to be women who hear the truth but seldom act in faith to appropiate it for our lives. We don't want to be forever grappling with doubt, fear, insecurity, and uncertainty. We want to live life on purpose and with purpose. We find it boring to live like a baby, feeding only on milk, We want the solid food of God's truth so we can grow into life that is exciting and productive.

None of us enjoys going around in circles, always passing through the same territory and coming back to the same problems, same frustrations, same mistakes and same limitations. We don't want to become calloused, hard-hearted, bitter, unforgiving, anxious, impatient, hopeless, or unteachable. We don't want to end up with a negative attitude that says, "My situation will never be any different because it hasn't been any different for a long time." We want to break out of any self-defeating cycle of repeated patterns and habits and be able to transcend ourselves, our limitations, and our circumctances. We want to be more than just a survivor.

We want to be an overcomer."

To which I say....Yeah and Amen!! I have felt I've been going around in circles and we keep dealing with the same stuff over and over again. I think I've become a pro at surviving but it is empty and void and there is little satisfaction and it is boring!!!! 

So I'm excited to be getting back to this pattern of prayer after several years hiatus. I've learned a lot in those years, I've been under the hammer in many ways. I also realize that giving up on my "fervent effectual" prayers was a foolish thing to do. I wonder what grief could have been spared had I remained stedfast? How's the song go? "Oh what needless pain we bear when we do not carry everything to God in prayer." No point in living in regret though, that's the past and God's mercies are new every morning. He forgives me and He guides me and He has brought me back to this. I love God, don't you?

Now it's time to get to work and start plowing through my topsy turvy house and return it to some semblance of order! A woman's work is never done! God must like us like that, that He always gives us something to do. We matter.

I'll be needing this to keep me going though because I was up at 5:00am...praying, before I drove my Hubby and son to work.

Thanks to all who gave me a shout out, I know I haven't blogged lately but I do check my subs, life has just been busy and of course with getting up that much earlier to pray I don't have the creativity to blog at night. I have been praying for you guys though. I read something and stop right then and there and offer prayers. So please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

With love and prayers~Dawne

Last weekend Hubby and I set out to visit our daughter in Toronto. We were going to take in the Air Show at the CNE, and spend the day with our girl. We hadn't been up for a visit in awhile, so we were all looking forward to spending some time together. We had barely hit the highway and we got a flat. On went the spare, which was not in very good shape and we turned back to town and to a tire place to get a new set of winters put on. We were due for a new set. This derailed our plans for the day. We were disappointed and our girl was heartbroken. We decided that I would go up this weekend for the day instead. She was happy with that idea.

I hate and I mean hate driving the 401. I'll do it, if I have to but it's not something I relish. I'm okay until I hit the express and collector's than it's just tension. I usually end up with a headache. So I thought I would drive to Oshawa, which is about 40min. from home, then take the GO Train, another 45min. Not too bad and I would be relieved of the maniacal drive. Thing is...I've never taken the train before. So this would be an adventure. My daughter and I set a time and a station to meet at and really it all seemed fairly simple. Except I got some wonky directions to the train station and I missed the train (by mere minutes). A phonecall to my girl to let her know I'd be on the next train. Okay, no problem.

I was waiting on the platform and a beautiful young lady came up and asked me some travel details. I told her what I could but explained this was my first time taking the train and I probably wasn't the person to ask. Then, yet another young lady came up to me and asked me for similar info. I explained to her same thing. We boarded together, I sat down along side the first young lady and the other sat across the aisle from us. Others boarded and took seats. There was an announcement that if you were getting off at Scarboro, you couldn't be in coaches # this to that because they wouldn't open due to construction on the platform. It didn't concern me so I didn't pay much mind, except to notice that our coach was one that wouldn't open. The young lady and I were chatting, it turns out she's a teacher, did her placement in my home town at a school where I have a friend teaching and she knew her. Small world huh? At the next stop a young man boarded. He sat in the next square of four seats facing us. He spoke out, asking anyone in general, some info about the Scarboro stop. A women behind us answered his question, plus telling him that this particular coach wouldn't open there, he'd have to move east on the train. The young man said, "Yeah? Is that so?" The woman said "yes." And he said, "I don't believe you I think you're lying to me." This caught mine and my traveling companions attention. The woman behind said, "okaaay." Then was silent. He looked at me and said, "do you think she's lying?" I said, "No, there was an announcement and this was one of the coaches indicated that wouldn't open at that station." This started a strange conversation. He set about talking and it was touchy. He asked us, where we were from and what it was like there. He was saying he wanted to get out of the city because of all the "stuff" going on there. About his criminal record, jail stints from the age of 14, a bar fight he got in the other night where a guy pulled a knife on him. He got up in the aisle and demonstrated, he was a strapping young man.  I was saying little but hums and haws, weighing my words and keeping eye contact. I was praying though. Lord, what do I do? The answer...be kind. While he was demonstrating his bar fight reenactment, talking the whole time, he began to shuffle some of the belongings that he had with him. I noticed he had a couple of bamboo decorative umbrella's. He was saying how he could have been killed in the fight and I said "well I'm glad that didn't happen, you were lucky." To which he said, "the other guys the lucky one because he would have ended up dead." Or something to that effect, he was getting agitated. I said "I suppose you're both lucky." He was still shuffling his things and I said, "Hey, what's that you got there." Indicating the umbrellas. So he pulled one out and was talking about them and I was saying how nice they were. Then he stopped, (he was still standing in the aisle) looked at my companion and said, "I see how you're looking at me, I see the look of disgust on your face". TENSION. She said "no, just admiring the umbrellas." I said, "Yeah they're so pretty, are they for a gift?" He sat down and said he was going to give one to a girl but she turned out to be a real....let's say, not so nice girl. I said well there's nice girls, you'll find one to give your umbrella to. He sat, we talked umbrellas, what they were made off, how he'd got them, then he switched gears to how he'd been to his aunts to clear his head. I said, "we all need to do that sometimes." He kept talking and I kept talking with him. Gentle, easy. They announced his stop and he gathered his things. We said our goodbyes and take care's and he moved east to the next coach. There was a collective sigh of relief. Then he came back, with just an umbrella in hand, handed it to me and said "You're a nice lady." To which I said "And you're a gentleman, thankyou, this is very sweet." Then he left. I hadn't realized how much everyone else in the coach had been engaged until he was gone and everybody started talking to me. It was something. There had been another young man in the coach, who had been sitting across the aisle from the gentleman and he said he didn't know if he should have spoke up but we all agreed it was the best thing that he'd sat still with his head into his text messaging. It probably wouldn't have been good for him at any point to draw attention to another male. There was a lot of buzz and talk and we were all gabbing away and amongst it all...I missed my stop!! All of a sudden it clicked in my head that we were stopped, I looked at the station sign and realized this was my station, it clicked in just as the doors closed!! I couldn't believe it! Another phonecall to my daughter and she would hop on the subway and meet me at the next stop.

It gave me another few minutes to converse with the train travelers and they had some more stories to tell of traveling the train. I was pegged "Mary Poppins" with my umbrella. There was some serious conversation about the young man, what his story must be and the fact that there's a little boy in there looking for love and acceptance.

I finally connected with my girl. The first question out of her mouth, after we hugged and kissed, "What's with the umbrella?"

So we headed out into downtown Toronto. A little later into the day then we'd hope but it was fun just to be together.

We went to Kesington Market, I snapped a shot of the CN Tower in the distance. 

The Toronto Film Festival is on this week, so we were looking for *stars*, we didn't spot any but we did see a red carpet ready and waiting.

We stopped at her favorite book store.

I don't know if it's really the World's Biggest but it's BIG!!

Lots of people downtown, bigger crowds then what I'm used to.

We went to Dundas Square, where they had a big screen set up and a little green screen that if you went in front of, you'd be on the big screen. My girl humored me and the crowd got a kick out of her with the umbrella!

We were headed to Queen St. where all the wonderful antique stores are but my girl is about as bad as her Mom with directions and we took a wrong turn and amongst all our gabbing we ended up near Regent Park, which is a big no, no. Not so good there. We corrected ourselves and headed back. Passed a fellow walking a lot of dogs.

I asked if I could take a picture and he was moving at a clip so he said "quickly", I wasn't quick enough and only got half the dogs. 

We ended up grabbing a cab and heading back to her place. She lives in a lovely little Greek neighborhood. I feel comfortable for my girls safety with the security and sense of community in the atmosphere.

There's a little 24 hour fruit market across the road from here place and she's nestled between a Jamaican Christian Church and an Old Folks home. 

On the ground floor of her building there's a Greek Men's Social Club and the older gentleman are there all hours, almost like sitting guard outside the building. We were bushed by the time we got back to her place, we had literally walked for hours. We rested a bit and put our feet up, then headed out for supper. My daughter has a new suitor and he joined us.

We went to a lovely restaurant and I was treated to dinner and got to know this young man. He's a nice fellow. Not Christian but we talked a bit. My girl knows where her Mom stands on these things and she listens to me. She doesn't agree with all I say, but she knows it's all from love. She knows a lot of prayer goes on behind the scene. Once dinner was over, I was ready to head home. We went back to her place to check the train schedule, her young man drove us to the station. Big hugs for all upon my departure.

The train ride back to Oshawa was uneventful but I hit a detour on my drive home. I decided not to take the main highway but a secondary one and when I went to take the turn to the little village before my place, there was  major construction and a road closure and I ended up following a winding detour, going down dirt roads and up and down steep hills and serious skinny curves. I did get to hear the full-length version of American Pie on the radio....haven't heard that in awhile. I finally made it home, hubby groggy on the couch waiting for me. Glad to see me, me glad to see him.  

All in all, for all the twist and turns, stops and missed stops, it was a very good day, an excellent adventure. Now that I've had this trial run of getting to my girls, without Hubby, I think I just might be going up more often. What did Hubby say about my adventure? "Honey, don't talk to strangers." I don't know about that. I "wish" I could have shared the gospel with the young man on the train and perhaps said "God was with you", rather than "you were lucky", but in the moment, I was grappling. One things for sure, if there was no-one praying for that young fellow before, there is a lady from the country praying for that city boy now.